my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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