you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
3 2 1 whiskey
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
