You made me cry and you don't even care
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
How drunk are you?
Completed.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
