Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
