he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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