Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize