I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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