New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
