I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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