U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
