happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Just pee around me
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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