Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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