I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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