Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Randomize
