I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I FOUND THE LEGS
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
