I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
