I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Randomize
