.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize