ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
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