Will you blow on my dice?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
