Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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