using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize