I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
