I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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