My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
