Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
