I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
