Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
