she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
