I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
