i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
