turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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