I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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