I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
