i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
