The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
