I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
