using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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