just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
