Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
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