TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
