Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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