Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
