you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Randomize
