My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
