As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
