By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Just pee around me
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
