apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
