well I can't set my house on fire every night
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
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