Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
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