you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
All the doctor said was why
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
