I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I think my nap took me to another dimension
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Randomize
