She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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