Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I am available for nakedness
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
