On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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