Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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