i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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